Can Anything Positive Come From a Disrupted Adoptive Placement?

Occasionally (25-45% unscientifically), expectant mothers who first favored adoption decide to parent. Her legitimate choice can emotionally crush prospective adoptive parents (= PAP), more or less, depending on its timing. One of our PAP recently experienced this pain. After getting home from the hospital where she gave birth to a baby girl, a mother who picked the PAP decided to parent her baby girl. This mother gave me her decision and I told the PAP while they were in my office with the baby in their arms. That experience for them was like death. Painful. They are grieving and it will take time to heal. No one saw it coming though it’s always a possibility.

After they exchanged with her mother the baby girl they thought–hoped– would be forever theirs, I stayed in touch with these PAP. In their suffering, wanting that little girl still, the PAP sent the mother a text the next day checking on her and the baby. The PAP then copied me on the mother’s reply, which I found . . . unique, and remarkable, if true. She told these PAP she was relieved to hear from them again, that though she was happy to have her baby girl with her, she was sad because she knew her decision to parent wiped out their expectations and deeply wounded them in many ways. The experience, she said, forced her to take account of her life, direction, relationship with her God; in her opinion, she came to believe God’s plan was for her family and our clients to meet. She expressed how this experience jolted her from spiritual laziness, stirred by these PAP’s presence and service. Considering what she learned from hearing the PAP and observing them, this mother wanted her daughter to know them-now, and as she grows up. She then invited them, hoping they would not be offended by it, to be her daughter’s godparents.

Most PAP struggling with this grief could not see any silver linings on that very dark cloud. They’d understandably be angry reading this mother’s reply, and regret the entire experience, not receive it with joy or understanding. And, our clients were hurt. But here’s what they said– through broken hearts and tears we are praising God. Wow, to be able to say that at that moment!

I do not intend to imply that PAP should explain a painful loss as missionary work! PAP expect to become new parents and these PAP did not intend to sacrifice so much of their time, money, and emotions just to receive a “thank you,” “you’re amazing,” “will you be godparents?” Still, after the fact, if one is able to see them, silver linings exist however small they may be: the mother’s alleged renewed spiritual faith, important not only for her, but her baby, and the PAP’s example of grace, strength, endurance. Will they agree to be a presence in this child’s life? What will come of that?

We often do not get exactly what we want, but we influence each other for good or for bad. We cannot escape this universal predicament. None of us are ever in total control of outcomes but many of us can and do inspire others for good . . . and good can come from it and sometimes does.